the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
