just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
