I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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