I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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