So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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