I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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