In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
