I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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