Your face is a jimmy john
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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