Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
