So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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