if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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