Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
