So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
