I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
