I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Damn victory sex feels great
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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