you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
