I want to stick my p in your. b.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
