Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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