My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize