at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
