her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
