are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I wish life had little blips of pornography
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
