Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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