my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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