Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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