Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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