lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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