Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize