Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
