the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
