Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
