No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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