I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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