I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
