i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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