shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
