dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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