wrigley field is MILF paradise
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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