For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
