My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
