The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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