YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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