3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
