I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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