I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the day after is always just damage control
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
