I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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