your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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