Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
