I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think my moral compass just broke
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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