I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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