Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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