Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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