Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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