Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
As shirtless as possible
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My feet surprised me
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