The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
