I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
