don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
