The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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