Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
