I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
