my vag is so smooth its legendary
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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