it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
